It’s been raining a lot here this week. It’s supposed to continue into the weekend. It has been sporadic, though. Sometimes the sunshine comes out while it’s raining, and then other times, the rain comes pouring down without mercy. Although I bought a few groceries yesterday to make a pasta dish, I am feeling much too lazy today to make it. If I do, I’ll surely post it tomorrow. Instead, I ordered some Philadelphia sushi rolls on DoorDash for lunch today. I’ve been craving different things lately. Later on, I walked across the street to a coffee shop and got a drink from the menu that seemed close to a caramel frapp at McDonald’s or Starbucks. It was close, but not quite as satisfying. Still, it was a good way for me to get out of the house. Since I work fully remote and have no social life, these are some of the small ways I add some interest to my day. I’ve been thinking about spending more time in coffee shops lately, just to be around people. Direct engagement is still a scary thing that I don’t fully trust right now. So I have opted to explore more of what has given me confidence in the past, like art, writing, bicycling, photography, and making videos. Being near Denver doesn’t make it easy to jump into some of these pleasures. The high altitude makes it tricky, as well as the lack of humidity. It really sucks. I still haven’t adapted well enough since I moved here last year from California, but I’ll be going back down south soon enough. Hopefully, before my lease ends. For now, I’m just being patient, with my bike locked up in storage, my baking supplies tucked away waiting to be used, and my credit card cleared to be ready to take on the debt of yet another fancy camera. Or not. I might just rent the camera I want to use. I wasn’t expecting life to be harder or more expensive here, but it is. The most annoying thing is all the fees that are deeply hidden or just slap you in the face when you want to buy just about anything. Fees upon fees upon fees. I’m just thankful that my apartment complex has been pretty good about its management. Super grateful for that.
I started taking some probiotic supplements today to help with digestion, since I’ve been eating a little less healthily than usual. I used to load up my kitchen with really good and healthy food. It became unsustainable for me, and so now I’m working out how to stay within budget while not going out of control with junk food. I’m trying to be mindful of buying food that I don’t have to worry about throwing away once I move, either. So I’m keeping things light. My partner John ate most of the snacks I had, so I’m not buying any more. He’s just too greedy with food sometimes, so I have adapted. I’m someone who, although I eat very little throughout the week, am a foodie who likes to eat as well as possible. Whole Foods is my favorite place for staples and specialty items. I was going to include a prebiotic fiber boost supplement as well, but decided not to because I do seem to eat enough fiber each day from my oatmeal with banana and dates, as well as the bean and cheese burritos I make. I have my diabetes under control with the help of metformin and dihydroberberine, but I still need to lose at least 15 pounds. So far, I have lost 14 pounds since I started living here. I think I will be successful with that once I move. The only way I have been good about working out is bicycling. I can’t do that comfortably here, so I’ll just wait. I miss bicycling so much. I recently stopped using the tretinoin prescription I got as well. I got ambitious and signed up for the strongest percentage. That was a mistake. My skin is still recovering from the purge that my face endured. I have stopped exfoliating with my Italy towel and instead just wash my face with Dove soap, then use a 15% glycolic acid serum on my eyelids, a 20% glycolic acid cream on my face, and use an oat moisturizer over all that. Oh, and some hypochlorous acid for redness. Before this, I was using at least 20 different things on my face, and it just became too much. Although the redness isn’t quite gone yet, I’m hopeful that I’ll have glowing skin within a month. My skin is definitely more sensitive now in my 40s than it was in my 30s when I started using strong stuff. I’ve never really used body lotion before, but living in such a dry climate requires it. So I’ve been using the EOS 24HR Moisture stuff. I’ve tried a few, and this one is my favorite right now.
I currently have about $420 in the bank after all the shopping I’ve done so far. It might not seem like a lot, but this is after months of racking up and paying off debt. I finally paid everything off, so this feels like some much-needed breathing room that gives me some guilt-free spending limits. I get paid weekly and usually budget for disposable income. I’ve been trying really, really hard not to buy so much stuff online that I don’t really need. So far this week, I found it worthwhile to buy a facial balm to minimize pores, an all-purpose cleaner that could make my home smell like a luxury hotel, and a tuna can strainer. I was going to buy a zester, but decided to try using the side of my traditional cheese grater instead and see if that works as well for zesting a lemon for my pasta dish.
I did a super deep cleaning of my entire 2-bedroom 2-bath apartment about a month ago. Ever since then, I’ve been consistent with maintaining every area clean. I invested a lot of money into the right tools and products for each job. I even went so far as to have a squeegee in my stand-up shower. I am incredibly particular about cleanliness, but now I’m focused on how every area smells. I’ve tried oil diffusers, plug-ins, sprays, incense, candles, carpet powders, and room sprays. I’m hoping that the nice all-purpose cleaner solution makes a bigger difference. Today I vacuumed the carpet and dusted all the electronics. Every night, I do a closing shift in the kitchen to make sure the counters are clean and the sink is empty. I hardly cook, but John does every single day. Although I wanted to keep my counters as clear as possible, I now have my Instant Pot and food processor stationed next to my stove because John wants fresh beans from scratch so often. He also uses the little rice cooker to make plain rice. As I have gotten older, I have lost much of the energy I used to have to make gourmet meals regularly. Then again, it could also be that I am so isolated with no social life that it discourages me from making so much good food. I’m used to making food for others, not so much for myself. I really miss sharing my dishes with others. John doesn’t really appreciate my cooking enough for that, so he mostly cooks for himself. I used to want to be the dutiful woman who made her man all of his food. For a time, I did spoil him in that way, but not anymore. It might seem shallow, but I can’t see myself serving my best to someone who doesn’t rave about it. That validation is actually really valuable to me.
I recently decided to take a break from doing art because it started becoming an unhealthy way for me to cope with some heavy stuff. As I have worked through some things in the past few months without the help of art or writing, I feel I am finally getting to a place where I can write and do art authentically from a good place. Long story short, for the past 10 months, I was struggling to recover from at least 20 major traumas that occurred in the span of 4 years. I’m still not where I want to be, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Being here in a new environment and having a much different life with new challenges has certainly helped. I have learned that I don’t need therapy, as I seem to be too self-aware for that, and I don’t need to use art and writing to help me through the aftermath. Even time doesn’t heal things for me. I need major shifts in the right direction to help me get over things. Right now, my life is so boring, calm, and uneventful that it has given me the clarity I need to get back to being my true self. My life was incredibly chaotic before coming here. My nervous system is progressively recovering. I’ve tried making friends here, but people are so different that I just don’t get them. I think I will try to make friends online instead. I miss having a sense of community. I know a lot of people do as well. I have also gotten into making videos, but mostly for myself right now. I don’t like the idea of putting myself out there online just yet. I think I will feel more comfortable with that by the end of the year.
